Friday, June 24, 2011

Small Town Girl Attempts Matchmaking, Round 2

My mother has the highest dating expectations for me …

Mom- “Jordan, JORDAN look at him!”
Jordan- “Mom, that’s the guy on Vampire Diaries.”
Mom- “Oh, I love that show!”
Jordan- “Right”
Mom- “Walk by him, get his attention!”
Jordan- “Kindly direct your attention to the mob of girls following him; he probably has a different girl for each day of the week”
Mom- “So?”
Jordan- “It’s not happening, mom”
Mom- “I bet none of them are as pretty as you”

Oh, my mother- such a confidence booster. She once told me that she didn’t see me with either A.C. Slater or Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.

Thanks mom, I’ll let them know that it’ll never work between us.

But to be fair, the dating world has come a long way since my mom and dad were “courting” in the high school hallways. These days, guys like my father are far and few between. My mom is one lucky lady, but that’s a blog for another day.

The dating road is one I’m fairly familiar with. So much in fact, that it doesn’t really matter where I meet the fork in the road – I’ll find my way home again. I’ve regrettably broken the hearts of the good guys, been broken by the bad ones, and I’ve heard the romantic stories mixed alongside the horror stories. And while some roads are lined with sunshine and unicorns, others are utterly drenched post blood bath.

Yet, I’ve learned lessons that I’ll never take back. So at the end of the day, my dating resume doesn’t make either nostalgic or bitter.

What does make me frustrated, however, is when boys (or girls) hurt my friends. I just don’t understand it, my friends are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Especially my girlfriends, sometimes it seems like all they meet are douche bags. But hey, don’t we all?

Then the other day it occurred to me - I know so many great guys; so why are my girlfriends continuing to date losers? And the more I thought about this, the more adamant I became about supporting my “good guy” friends. Sure sometimes we want to date the “bad boy,” it’s thrilling and fun. Or if you’re like me, you date people because subconsciously you want to “fix” them. But ladies, I’ve done the leg work. Billy Badass isn’t going to change, and Trust Fund Baby Boyfriend is never going to get a job.

But the good guys, that’s where it’s at. They’re supportive, they’re fun, you can count on them and chances are they’ve got things going on in their lives that you can support, too! Maybe it’s time I gave my lady friends a wake-up call, that white horse/white knight fairytale is still out there. You’ve just been looking in the villain’s lair.

So in the spirit of mine and Brittney Cason’s more recent matchmaking plotting, and to prove that a good guy really does exist, I thought I’d introduce you all to one:

Meet Bobby DeMuro

DeMuro, a personal trainer, is currently working on two master’s degrees at both UNC Chapel Hill and the University of Memphis. Re-read that last line - the word ambitious could be spelled       D-e-M-u-r-o.

Aside from his extensive educational background, DeMuro is an avid volunteer at the Ada Jenkins Center. And in 2009, frustrated with costly fitness programs, he let his mind spiral into a business plan that became FusionSouth, LLC. FusionSouth is a model for improved fitness sans the costly expenses. Not to mention, DeMuro is the founder and Executive Director of the non-profit organization NoFizz Charlotte, Inc. The association dedicated to improved nutrition habits and the physical activity of today’s youth. Let’s just say, the guy stays busy … in a good way.

I then, being the matchmaker/great friend that I am, devised my own little dating questionnaire for DeMuro to fill out, and sent it straight to his inbox. Naturally, it took a little coaxing to get him on board, but here it is ladies, The Small Town Girl Matchmaking Escapades, Take 2:

About you:

Name: Bobby DeMuro (25 years old)
Occupation: Public Health professional - I own a fitness and sports conditioning business, I run a non-profit health organization, I host a health podcast/radio show, and I'm a guest contributor for a major TV station in Charlotte.

Current Endeavors: Work. Volunteering with some awesome young people. Training for a marathon. I'm getting two different Master's degrees (Go Memphis Tigers!). And just like Brian Griffin, in my spare time I'm working on a couple of books (if you get that joke, we were probably meant for each other).

Have children? No

Want children? Yeah - two girls - Bianca and Libby. Seriously!

What song is the soundtrack of your life? Can I pick three songs? Scarface's "My Block," Barenaked Ladies "The Old Apartment," and Lupe Fiasco "The Show Goes On"

If you were a wild animal, what would you be? My dog, Dakota. She lives the life - eats food off my plate, sleeps 23 hours a day, goes on runs with me, and we snuggle at night together under the covers. (Is that why I'm single?)

Favorite beverage? Water, girls. and you'll understand why...

If you were stuck on a desert island, who is the one person you’d want with you? My brother, or my dad, and an almanac. We quiz each other about anything and everything (ex., "What's the GDP of Mongolia?"), and if we had an almanac we'd be good for decades.

Do you live to work, or work to live? Live to work. When you work with amazing young folks and do something rewarding and unique, you want to go in to work each day. When you're insane like me and you get up at before 3:00 am every day, well, that problem just compounds itself.

Your guilty pleasure? King of the Hill. I make it a point not to watch TV (unless my Denver Nuggets are playing), but I could - and have - watch King of the Hill all day, every day. Wingo!!

Who is Edward Cullen? A little bitch.

And yes, that was a trick question.

If I googled you right now, what would I find? My bios and websites of the biz/non-profit I own, pages of stats from my collegiate and professional baseball career, and I think probably my Twitter and LinkedIn accounts. But it's cool, I'm addicted to Twitter.

What would be your chosen super power? Finding the perfect woman so I wouldn't have to resort to being Jordan's social engineering experiment!! (Kidding JCB, you're the best).

So, which is it? …

Milk Chocolate or Dark Chocolate: Water
Ice cubes or crushed ice: None
In grade school, were you the bully or the bullied: I was the only white kid in an all black school, the stereotypical quarterback and pitcher, so, neither?
Team Jennifer or Team Angelina: ... the fuck?
Is the glass half full or half empty: The glass is all the way full!!
Coke or Pepsi: Water. Again,
Peanut Butter chunky or smooth: Good question...

Your Best:

Vacation: Day trips to Columbia, SC. No, seriously - I love that city.
Halloween Costume: I don't celebrate fake holidays!
Attribute: Authenticity.

And the actual dating questions:

What is your idea of a perfect date? 4-5 mile jog through Davidson or Freedom Park area.

Turns Ons? Intelligence. Girls who are brimming with positivity. Girls with TONS of energy. Girls who are ridiculously ambitious. Girls who don't need to party or drink to have fun! (Live your life on purpose!)

Deal Breakers? Lack of exercise. SMOKERS. Drug users. Big time party/drinkers. (We've gotta be livin' for something more important than today!)

When you arrive on a date, which of these things are most definitely – without a doubt – on you?

A. Candy and/or cookies
B. Flowers
C. A bottle of wine/champagne
D. A friend
E. An antacid anti-gas remedy.
F. A condom
G. Or just you, because come on … you’re Bobby DeMuro. You’re enough.

Just 'G', baby. No, depending on the date, maybe A, B and F.

Do you have any cartoon characters, rainbows, names, hearts, four-leafed clovers, barbed wire and/or vines tattooed anywhere on your body? Nope!

Which of these is your idea of a nice little surprise for the lucky girl who dates you, Mr. DeMuro?

A. The good morning/ good night text
B. E-mail and/or text of your private areas she may or may not have seen yet …
C. Jumping out of a cake, any cake will do.
D. Tickets to a concert/sporting event she’s been dying to see
E. A handwritten note
F. Abdominal gas

A, D, and definitely E!

On a date with someone you’re romantically interested in, your first physical move is usually:

A. A kiss on the cheek
B. Holding hands
C. Sticking a finger in this girl’s ear
D. A big sloppy wet kiss on the mouth! Show them you mean business!
E. A playful tap on the ass
F. A long, meaningful stare into her pretty eyes

B. I move pretty slowly... C sounds pretty hot though, you down to try that JCB?

After a first date that does really well, what is your closing line?

A. I love you
B. Are you free next week? Awesome, my mom is in town.
C. You like the name DeMuro, huh? Would you like it?
D. So, has anyone ever told you that you’re freaking HOT?
E. My place or yours?
F. Or other, fill in the blank: ___________________________

Haha "C" is great. And my Mom IS in town next week. But I'd have to go with F: "So, when can I see you again?"

Things you would or wouldn’t say …

Yes or No: I like dogs, too. And what do you know …I have a bone for you!
No... unless she wanted it!

Yes or No: And you’re sure you want to eat that?
Haha, no.

Yes or No: After my run, I’m going to stop by the tanning salon on my way to the laundry mat.

Yes or No: Jesus, when was the last time you shaved your legs??
Why would I ask Jesus when he last shaved his legs? Guy's been through a lot already.

Yes or No: Is it that time of the month already?

Yes or No: Oh, you don’t do that? Oh, ok it’s just that my ex used to … no biggie.

Yes or No: Did we have plans?

So ladies, there you go. A good guy in the flesh, no your eyes are not deceiving you – one does exist and I’ve given you a good place to start. I’m currently pimping out my friends [insert evil laugh here], so please send all DeMuro inquires and letters of interest to this Small Town Girl at

Because after all, all ladies deserve a good man … and you can’t have mine ;)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Jordan learns a REDiculous lesson

Recently I was punked by my boss.

When Brittney gave me a questionnaire to fill out regarding my ideal candidate for boyfriend, I chalked it up as an unusual work assignment. Nothing would surprise me anymore. Little did I know, Brittney was plotting when she took my rather unorthodox dating list and ran with it … straight to her blog at Creative Loafing.

Guess she finally got me back for setting her up a profile on

One of these little inquires asked the question of what my deal-breakers are in a relationship. I turned this subject over and over in my head. Later I posed this question to my own friends and their answers were as expected: “If he doesn’t want children” or “if he chews his food with his mouth open.” The list continues …

What I really had the urge to do, though, was draw a big line right through the word deal-breaker and add a new word, let my dating profile read: “List Prerequisites.” And the sad thing about this, my one and only … must have a job.

I’m twenty-four years old, why is it that “must have a job” is something I have to say out loud? If I’m dating guys my own age … wouldn’t this just sort of come with the package. And in the midst of all this dating reflection it occurred to me the very reason this, what I thought unspoken and implied, employee status is a requirement is because I’ve lowered my standards once before.

Take a former relationship, for example. While I was working multiple jobs I chose for my partner a guy who’s idea of a hard day’s work was walking eighteen holes instead renting a golf-cart. I tried to justify my relationship to everyone. “He’s sweet,” and “he makes me laugh.” Sure I cringed when I read his tweet: “About to hit the driving range with an ice cold six-pack, ahhh … unemployment” from my work desk, but he was the funny guy. So I let it go.

After all, I was the girlfriend. I’m not supposed to expose negativity. But in the midst of protecting his feelings, I was straddling the fence into new territory: settling.

The theory goes that we’re drawn to our opposites. The “opposites attract” card is one we play when seeking validation, and just like a card game if you lay this card on the table face down - I’ve done the leg work, and I’m calling your bluff.

By trying to justify my relationship to my friends, I was only trying to justify it to myself. And when I looked around at my boyfriend’s place that could have easily doubled as a frat house, it all became clear: my comedian of a friend turned boyfriend … wasn’t so funny anymore.

But still it took a swift kick in the ass before I made moves, and that kick came over dinner one night while we were discussing my upcoming LSAT exam. I had met a friend of said ex two weeks prior to this dinner who is now happily married.

This married friend elaborated on how wonderful his wife was, proclaiming that he knew she and I would love each other. When I asked him how they had met he told me that she met him when he was “going nowhere fast.” His exact words; he said in her he found a source of inspiration. He wanted to be everything and more that she deserved. So he jumpstarted himself, and now … happily married, life couldn’t be better for this guy.

Fast forward to two weeks later at Paco’s Tacos and Tequila over margaritas and a large bowl of guacamole, my boyfriend informed me that, for him, this wasn’t the case.

No, this trust fund baby boyfriend of mine wasn’t motivated in the slightest by my work ethic. And why should he be when mom was still footing the bill of his life? He asked me if I’d like to go to law school in Charleston because, and I’m quoting here, he “had a job lined up there already.”

Sadly, this is the most exciting news I had heard from this guy in months. So I pushed for more detail, although in retrospect, I really really wish I hadn’t.

Trust Fund- “Painting fences, don’t pay much but it’s easy”
Jordan- “You want to paint fences? Like white-washing?”
Trust Fund- “Yeah, would you be ok with it if your husband wtf did he just call himself? just painted fences for the rest of your life.”

This I had to think about, I remember that I leaned back in the booth and looked at him for a solid few minutes. I stared up at him while he waited for my answer, but I really wasn’t sure how I felt about it. After some time had passed, I finally smiled across the table at my now nervous partner and said “sure, as long as you’re happy.”

But I was lying. What I was really thinking was something more like: “look here, Tom Sawyer, I’ve seen my future and your white-washing dreams weren’t there.”

Bear with me; it was never about the job. It was the thought process behind the job. This guy didn’t want to paint fences his whole life because of his utter love and appreciation of all things freshly painted. No, for Trust Fund this job was one thing and one thing only: easy.

This guy had no intention of ever getting a job, or at least one that required him to think or perform any manual labor. He had money coming his way one day, and he was more than content coasting before and after the day it all dropped into his lap. Now did he have enough coming his way to live comfortably for the rest of his life while he white-washed fences? No, but it’s not like he was thinking that far ahead, or realistically I should say. And each time he said things like “all these things coming my way are going to be yours too, someday …”

… I died a little inside.

I’m not that kinda girl. I work for everything; I could have all the money in the world and still work. In fact, even at millionaire status I’d probably still work multiple jobs, and I would definitely still go to school. So what was I doing? If school is important to me, why be with someone who doesn’t feel that way? If work is crucial to me, why would I be with someone who has no work ethic whatsoever?

I’ve had to learn the hard way, I guess.

And in the aftermath my friends have done what they do best, give me a lot of shit. But I wanted to know, is the opposites attract theory still a thing for most people? So naturally I asked Facebook and the responses were unanimous.

While opposites may be fun and exciting, it’s the similarities that bond two people. Instead of seeking out the person who possesses the qualities you don’t, why not look for someone who enjoys the things you enjoy. You’ll find things you can do together, like go for a run in Freedom Park, venture to the White Water Center, or catch an Intimidators game. Charlotte is the ideal scene for dating at any stage, so why not explore together?

So that relationship came to an end, and yes I’ve met with the bitterness of said ex. When it was all said and done, he wanted to assure me that he would be just fine because he makes more money than I do.

But I didn’t realize we were counting the weekly allowance from his mother ...