Jordan learns a REDiculous lesson

Recently I was punked by my boss.

When Brittney gave me a questionnaire to fill out regarding my ideal candidate for boyfriend, I chalked it up as an unusual work assignment. Nothing would surprise me anymore. Little did I know, Brittney was plotting when she took my rather unorthodox dating list and ran with it … straight to her blog at Creative Loafing.

Guess she finally got me back for setting her up a profile on match.com …

One of these little inquires asked the question of what my deal-breakers are in a relationship. I turned this subject over and over in my head. Later I posed this question to my own friends and their answers were as expected: “If he doesn’t want children” or “if he chews his food with his mouth open.” The list continues …

What I really had the urge to do, though, was draw a big line right through the word deal-breaker and add a new word, let my dating profile read: “List Prerequisites.” And the sad thing about this, my one and only … must have a job.

I’m twenty-four years old, why is it that “must have a job” is something I have to say out loud? If I’m dating guys my own age … wouldn’t this just sort of come with the package. And in the midst of all this dating reflection it occurred to me the very reason this, what I thought unspoken and implied, employee status is a requirement is because I’ve lowered my standards once before.

Take a former relationship, for example. While I was working multiple jobs I chose for my partner a guy who’s idea of a hard day’s work was walking eighteen holes instead renting a golf-cart. I tried to justify my relationship to everyone. “He’s sweet,” and “he makes me laugh.” Sure I cringed when I read his tweet: “About to hit the driving range with an ice cold six-pack, ahhh … unemployment” from my work desk, but he was the funny guy. So I let it go.

After all, I was the girlfriend. I’m not supposed to expose negativity. But in the midst of protecting his feelings, I was straddling the fence into new territory: settling.

The theory goes that we’re drawn to our opposites. The “opposites attract” card is one we play when seeking validation, and just like a card game if you lay this card on the table face down - I’ve done the leg work, and I’m calling your bluff.

By trying to justify my relationship to my friends, I was only trying to justify it to myself. And when I looked around at my boyfriend’s place that could have easily doubled as a frat house, it all became clear: my comedian of a friend turned boyfriend … wasn’t so funny anymore.

But still it took a swift kick in the ass before I made moves, and that kick came over dinner one night while we were discussing my upcoming LSAT exam. I had met a friend of said ex two weeks prior to this dinner who is now happily married.

This married friend elaborated on how wonderful his wife was, proclaiming that he knew she and I would love each other. When I asked him how they had met he told me that she met him when he was “going nowhere fast.” His exact words; he said in her he found a source of inspiration. He wanted to be everything and more that she deserved. So he jumpstarted himself, and now … happily married, life couldn’t be better for this guy.

Fast forward to two weeks later at Paco’s Tacos and Tequila over margaritas and a large bowl of guacamole, my boyfriend informed me that, for him, this wasn’t the case.

No, this trust fund baby boyfriend of mine wasn’t motivated in the slightest by my work ethic. And why should he be when mom was still footing the bill of his life? He asked me if I’d like to go to law school in Charleston because, and I’m quoting here, he “had a job lined up there already.”

Sadly, this is the most exciting news I had heard from this guy in months. So I pushed for more detail, although in retrospect, I really really wish I hadn’t.

Trust Fund- “Painting fences, don’t pay much but it’s easy”
Jordan- “You want to paint fences? Like white-washing?”
Trust Fund- “Yeah, would you be ok with it if your husband wtf did he just call himself? just painted fences for the rest of your life.”

This I had to think about, I remember that I leaned back in the booth and looked at him for a solid few minutes. I stared up at him while he waited for my answer, but I really wasn’t sure how I felt about it. After some time had passed, I finally smiled across the table at my now nervous partner and said “sure, as long as you’re happy.”

But I was lying. What I was really thinking was something more like: “look here, Tom Sawyer, I’ve seen my future and your white-washing dreams weren’t there.”

Bear with me; it was never about the job. It was the thought process behind the job. This guy didn’t want to paint fences his whole life because of his utter love and appreciation of all things freshly painted. No, for Trust Fund this job was one thing and one thing only: easy.

This guy had no intention of ever getting a job, or at least one that required him to think or perform any manual labor. He had money coming his way one day, and he was more than content coasting before and after the day it all dropped into his lap. Now did he have enough coming his way to live comfortably for the rest of his life while he white-washed fences? No, but it’s not like he was thinking that far ahead, or realistically I should say. And each time he said things like “all these things coming my way are going to be yours too, someday …”

… I died a little inside.

I’m not that kinda girl. I work for everything; I could have all the money in the world and still work. In fact, even at millionaire status I’d probably still work multiple jobs, and I would definitely still go to school. So what was I doing? If school is important to me, why be with someone who doesn’t feel that way? If work is crucial to me, why would I be with someone who has no work ethic whatsoever?

I’ve had to learn the hard way, I guess.

And in the aftermath my friends have done what they do best, give me a lot of shit. But I wanted to know, is the opposites attract theory still a thing for most people? So naturally I asked Facebook and the responses were unanimous.

While opposites may be fun and exciting, it’s the similarities that bond two people. Instead of seeking out the person who possesses the qualities you don’t, why not look for someone who enjoys the things you enjoy. You’ll find things you can do together, like go for a run in Freedom Park, venture to the White Water Center, or catch an Intimidators game. Charlotte is the ideal scene for dating at any stage, so why not explore together?

So that relationship came to an end, and yes I’ve met with the bitterness of said ex. When it was all said and done, he wanted to assure me that he would be just fine because he makes more money than I do.

But I didn’t realize we were counting the weekly allowance from his mother ...