Following suit with the inspiration behind my last blog, I’m still writing from Mayberry; although, while the location remains unchanged, the topic a far cry from the last. As I expressed in the previous entry, my return home has been the soothing getaway I unknowingly needed. My homecoming, while rare, typically unfolds in the same manner each time. You see, as my hometown is gushing with the wedded bliss of my peers, I myself find the return to this country haven enticing for another reason.
There seems to be some truth behind the theory that every guy has “the one who got away,” but for girls, we have the one we can’t quite shake. The ex we keep waiting on deck, just in case; and no matter how much we debate the premise—who doesn’t have a former flame in the crosshairs of failed new relationships, or boredom (what have you). Once upon a time I ran these streets of Mayberry, and when I wasn’t hanging around bonfires and participating in the rolling of houses, even I had a dating life. So who is this guy I can’t quite shake?
As a teenage girl growing up in Mayberry I had the one guy I pursed consistently, and although life happened and took us in very different directions, our contact has never ceased. If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself that you don’t have a past suitor with which whom you maintain contact—well, this girls not buying it.
We’re are living, breathing, bleeding, feeling humans, and the underlying truth: we don’t want to be alone. Sure it’s easy to revel in solitude from time to time, we all need it, but the affection of a previous companion does tend to ease the blow. So we keep them around, it’s simply human nature to hold on to what feels comfortable, rather than what feels right. The dating culture can leave you shaking in your cute little boots at times, who doesn’t crave the undeniable and never-failing attention of an ex?
This morning I opened my eyes to find myself in the room I woke in each morning in high school. Moments like these make me nostalgic for all those past elements and the ex boyfriend is no exception. As it turns out, the visit between he and I over all major holidays is about as predictable as Christmas Day itself. Rest assured this isn’t a story of “guy gets girl” or even the true love/happily ever after fairy tale most small town stories end with. Our relationship didn’t end sour- it just ended, making the rendezvous over the last few years effortless. So why do we refrain from getting back together?
Simple, it’s not meant to be. Our ill-fated relationship is the connection to a past life, one that I often find myself slipping into from time and time. Who am I kidding—I still get my mail there.
So this then raises the question of why do we do it? In my case, the road to my former days goes through one particular ex. The re-hatching of the old is never a good idea, and yet, in my world it’s become a guilty pleasure. However, over time my mindset after each visitation has shifted from the “maybe one day..” to the remembering why and acceptance that it will never work. We’ve all heard if it didn’t work before, why would it work now, but if you’re like me and desperately hold on to the theory that sometimes people and situations change—wake up.
The truth, as I’ve come to find, is that people and situations do change. We grow apart. For me, I left my small town and I adjusted. It happens to all of us, and for him and I, our transformations pushed us even further apart. You see, while I was high-tailing it out of Mayberry he stuck around, and in a short time frame I’ve met new people and experimented with new things and new places. To say we are worlds apart does seem a bit melodramatic, and yet, there is some accuracy to it; and inside all this long ago talk thrives the infamous query of: when does one hold on and when does one let go?
This examination doesn’t stop at the reoccurring ex-relationships, either. It’s relevant in the present tense, as well. It’s a concept I’ve yet to master, although there have been moments I thought myself close. So we like the cozy feeling of latching on to someone we’re already comfortable with. It’s not new or exciting, but it is familiar. It’s safe, but come on, we only live once-why not embrace something unexplored. Sure it seems kind of scary, but what’s to gain by holding on to the old?
At the end of the day, no matter how many times I attempt to justify it to myself, until letting go becomes a definite, rather than merely an option, I’ll never move forward. Therefore, not only am I refraining from giving someone else a chance—I’m not giving myself one. Life is, after all, about advancing, looking in front of you instead of behind. We’ve all heard it before, and yet when will I give up the good fight, and cut the ties to the former love?
It’s almost 2011 people; I’m getting back to the basics-anyone with me?
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