Friday, May 13, 2011

"Being a girl ain't easy"

May 13, the day I submitted my final Literary Theory paper I’ve been agonizing over for months. How did I celebrate this triumphant day?

With my annual visit to the OB-GYN


(What? I’m really in a cartoon mood these days …)

I mean, who wouldn’t want to celebrate the end of the hardest semester of life to date by lying back on a table, legs spread with someone feeling around down there? Wait, don’t answer that.

I truly wish guys could experience anything remotely close to these infamous “girl-doctor” visits, but hey “being a girl ain’t easy.” Since I’ve read Tucker Max’s I hope they Serve Beer in Hell, I’m familiar with how the guy STD testing works. Insert large rod into penis hole; sounds horrible. But guys, if you’re careful, you only have to experience this gut-wrenching experience a few times in life. As for girls, we’re not that lucky.

We get to live this exhilarating episode on a yearly basis. So in my book the score:
Guys- 1 Girls- 0

And because my mother is still more active with the scheduling of doctor visits; she’s been hard at work for over a month making appointments for both my sister and I. This is no easy feat for two reasons: 1. Jen and I both lead hectic lives, and 2. we both live in Charlotte … and our OB GYN is back in Winston-Salem. This is unfortunate, since I’ve lived in Charlotte for over four years now, but stick with what you know; and my gynecologist, Dr. R, is great.

Oh, and by the way, Dr. R … is playing for the guy’s team.

Some may think the fact that I’ve chosen a guy gynecologist is slightly unorthodox. I beg to differ. What is unorthodox; however, is that this is the same man who delivered me to my mom and dad (almost) twenty-four years ago.

Being sisters, Jen and I do things as a pair. Even when we don’t mean to, we like to do things together. Like the time we were roommates, or the time we bought our first pairs of TOMS at the same time. Or like this week when we each picked up nasty speeding tickets within forty-eight hours of each other. Add girl-doctor visits to this list, and since she had the more fortunate - or unfortunate - exam schedule, she made her way up I-85 two days earlier than me.

So this morning I geared up for this awkward experience. After changing into the distorted sheet disguised as a gown, they ask you to sit your bare ass onto a freezing table. There is a sheet there, but who are they kidding? There is no escaping this brutal coldness.

This charming affair is then followed up with a series of questions:

Nurse- “Do you smoke?”

Jordan- “Nope”

Nurse- (Eyebrows raised, accusatory voice) … “You don’t smoke, at all?”

Awesome, pegged me for a smoker. I’m in my freaking work clothes lady, do I smell like smoke?

Jordan- “Nope”

Nurse- “Ok then, what about drinking? Do you drink?”

Jordan- “Yes”

Nurse- “How often do you drink?”

What an awful question, can I pass?

Jordan- “Ummmm”

Nurse- (Slightly annoyed) “How many times a week?”

Jordan- “Maybe a few times”

Nurse- “So, three times a week?”

Jordan- “Yeah, let’s go with three”

Nurse- “How many drinks each time?”

Jordan- “umm … maybe 2 or 3?”

Nurse- “So around 10 drinks a week?”

Jordan- my math says 6 to 9, but what do I know –English major … “Sure”

Nurse- “And are you sexually active?”

This question, not my favorite; she was looking for the one word answer. Instead she got my quick and blurted out response of …

Jordan- “I have a boyfriend!”

Nurse- (Slightly more annoyed …) “So, is that a yes?”

Really this should be a questionnaire I fill out and hand back so we can avoid this lovely conversation in the future. Not that I don’t love conversing with the nurse and all that, since we all know in the case of the guy gynecologist the nurse’s real role: the buffer. There’s no fooling this girl. It would be nice though if next to the “Are you sexually active?” question there was room for comments. This way I could write things like: “I have been dating him for X amount of time” or “… And I’ve known him forever.” Can I motion for this? Anybody second it?

So basically I thought my experience was less than enjoyable, but as I was bitching about this to my sister on my drive back to Charlotte she revealed her experiences two days prior, and as it happens, I got off easy.

My mom had asked if I wanted her to meet me today, but I declined. This morning I almost called and asked her to meet me anyway because it would be really nice to see her, I miss my mom every day. But last minute decided I’d already let her off the hook, why mess up her morning. If I had considered exactly what this visit would entail, the idea never would have crossed my mind.

My sister, not as lucky; while the nurse quizzed my sister on her various habits … my mother was posted up one seat over hanging on her every word.

You can imagine how embarrassing this must be for my (almost) twenty year old sister. Did I also mention that our birthdays are five days apart? See, everything together.

And when the nurse turned to my sister and posed the sexually active question it was my mother who beat her to the chase.

Nurse- “Are you sexually active?”

(Jennah opens mouth to answer, Mother interjects …)

Mom- “Yes, yes she is”

(Jennah looks mortified, turns to our mother …)

Mom- “What? Your father and me, we’re not stupid, you know”

(Jennah still looks mortified)

Mom- (to nurse) “She’s been dating her boyfriend for four years”

Looks like we’re not the only ones who need justification …

Mom- (to Jennah) “If you’re anything like your dad and me …”

This is the point my sister stopped the conversation in its tracks. This makes sense, no wonder the nurse didn’t seem overly joyful this morning. More than likely she was disappointed that I showed up solo today. No one entertains like my mother.

In synopsis, or to reiterate, being a girl ain’t easy. The yearly OB GYN visit equates to filing and paying taxes – both equally dreaded and unpleasant; but at least you can pack twelve months of breathing room in between.

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